|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The War Against the Wizards
|
 |
|
The terror - when you look back now it was really about the terror. Once we got over our fear the war against the wizards lasted a few months. You remember how scared we all were when He Who Shall Not be Named was on the loose. Sitting around scared waiting for some pimply faced miracle boy to save us wasn't going to do any good, we had to take matters into our own hands.
Once we did our organization, intelligence and technology won the day rather easily. You see a wizard is really a medieval creature, they think they're smart knowing spells and all, but they're bound by ignorance and superstition. Yes you can ward off bullets with a good spell, but spells and wizards wear out quickly. You know what doesn't wear out quickly? A machine gun. Advantage: Humans.
After we figured this out the rest was easy. Ooh a flying broom oh no! Just a slow moving unarmored target that has no concept of the advances in aerial warfare we made in the last 100 years. Invisibility cloak? Medieval throwback designed hundreds of years before thermal imaging sights. Don't even get me started on what happens when you steal or break their little sticks. Wow, you can move through a magical fireplace network? You know what else moves through a fireplace network? VX gas. You don't pull punches when humanity's on the line. I still remember some D&D reject in a silly dress standing on a bridge shouting "you shall not pass!" He wasn't so cocky with a guided missile up his - well you get my meaning.
And their allies - Wizard please! A dragon was pretty scary to a medieval peasant. But it's easy prey for even a hand held heat seaking missile. And a sidewinder - not enough bits left over for dragon jerky. Giants? One bullet in the kneecap, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. A Centaur is the biggest target you ever did see. The Dementors were tough, until we learned they could be blinded by a simple targeting laser.
In the end You Know Who was a paranoid recluse hiding out in some castle in another dimension. It only took one informer to betray the entrance (No, my wand, don't break my wand!) and he was done. Nuclear weapons. Can't see them coming, no spell in the universe protects you. And they thought they were smarter and better. Hundreds of years behind the times. Could make an invisible horse, but couldn't hide from a hand grenade. Why was anyone ever so impressed with wizards in the first place?
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2011 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|