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December 8, 1941

What a Great Day to Work With Japan!


Just had a great conversation with Premier Tojo. He agreed we should work together to prevent attacks on navy bases. I pressed him on whether he had anything to do with the attack on Pearl Harbor yesterday. (Not that we're even sure such an attack took place, but you know the liberal media.)

Anyway my good friend Tojo assured me Japan had nothing to do with it. Maybe they didn't. I mean, it's not like he would lie to me, he's an upstanding, strong leader, just like me. Maybe it was Japan, maybe it was some other countries, maybe it was some 300 pound sumo wrestler.

So what if all our intelligence agencies are telling me it was Japan. They were wrong before. Remember the Maine? They were all so sure it was Spain, and then we got in a war and found out oops, it was an accident. Maybe this Arizona ship blew itself up, who knows? And why isn't anyone talking about why Hoover didn't stand up to Japan when they invaded Manchuria? Kinda suspicious if you ask me.

We did not discuss lifting the sanctions over the occupation of Indo-China, but why are there sanctions again? It's time to move forward with a constructive relationship with Japan and let bygones be bygones. Tojo is ready to cooperate with us in a new Pacific order. Forget our stupid old alliances, what have they ever done for us?

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 Tojo Minimize

Glad you can see reason my totally cool strong leader friend. Together we'll make the world a better place, once you recognize Japan's place in it. I'm glad to finally see an American leader who will work with us and get over this silly "Attack on naval base" conspiracy theory.

  

 Wendell Willkie Minimize

This is outrageous! How can a president of the United States ignore an attack on this great democracy? Do you have some personal gain here? Did you cut a deal? Whatever our differences, whatever our politics, Americans have always stood united against foreign threats. We were attacked and you make nice with the person responsible for the attack? Did you forget your oath to the Constitution?

  

 FDR Minimize

Loserface loser, lost the election. Just trying to deligitimize me. Loserface Diarrheastein Poopypants!

  

 Edward R. Murrow Minimize

This... is disgusting. Not only do we have a president who chats nicely with our enemies, his communications are these little bursts of schoolyard insults. Never before in the history of this country have we seen such unpresidential childish behavoir from the White House.

  

 FDR Minimize

Here we go again with the fake news media reporting my own words. No president has ever been treated so unfairly by the press with his every public statement reported on. Edward R. U. a Poopyhead?

  

 B. Wright-Bart Minimize

What the lamestream media won't tell you is there's a lot of evidence Amelia Earhart bombed Pearl Harbor. I mean, think about it, she disappeared over the Pacific, and now someone may or may not have bombed Pearl Harbor. You sheeple need to wake up to the truth.

  

 Rupert J. Foxxe Minimize

It's unbelievable that the media keeps criticizing our strong commander in chief. Unlike Hoover he's shown Japan how strong he is by dealing with him straight about this "Pearl Harbor" thing. And he's gonna make us even stronger by bringing back the horse and carriage industry. It's time we forget this pie in the sky dream of automobiles and get back to basics. Our poor horse breeders and carriage makers need jobs and it's about time this country gave it to them. Thank you glorious leader for the jobs, the growth and the strong leadership you provide.

  

 FDR Minimize

Thank you for that clear objective reporting. You two are the only real media we have left. I swear sometimes you look alike, it's nearly impossible to tell you apart. Once everyone gets over this "Pearl Harbor" hysteria, we should be able to go forward and make a great deal with Japan. My good friend Tojo has a great plan for peace in China. And anyone who doesn't like it is a poopypants.

  

 Franklin Delano Roosevelt Minimize

Age: 59

Occupation: Prez (Three terms bitches!)

Education: Harvard, Columbia

Relationship status: Happily married, totally happily married, nothing wrong here.

Hobbies: Jogging, I totally do, I just do it when no one's looking.

Currently listening to: The Vapors - Turning Japanese

  

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