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 Republican Sex Scandal Standard Press Release Minimize

In order to save everyone time in future scandals the Republican leaders who reside at C-Street (The "Prayer House" or "Player House" as it is known.) have devised a standard press release to deal with admissions of adultery by self-righteous holier-than-thou Republicans.

I Your Name have been caught in a sexual indiscretion with a Man/boy/woman/girl/sheep. I am deeply ashamed to have been caught. I would like to wholeheartedly apologize now that I have been caught. Being found out has shaken me to the core and made me realize that cheating on and lying to my wife and family is completely wrong and immoral. The only thing that can carry me  through this scandal in which I am the victim is my deep faith in God and sure knowledge that he has forgiven me. If you have faith in God then you must forgive me too, since I have decided that God has. You do trust in God, don't you? That's what  this is really about. If we all trust in God then no one will be mad at me. I have prayed and decided God has said "okely-dokely congressman/senator/religious figure you can now resume your career, you have suffered enough at the hands of the evil media"  We all believe in the power of forgiveness, no one more so than a congressman/senator/religious figure who's been repentant for days after being blatantly caught in a multi-year series of transgressions and lies.

 

I also am sure that there is no hypocrisy in my having been caught breaking God's commandments knowingly and willingly for years while publicy speaking out and basing my career on the immorality of  the times/immorality of my opponents/sanctity of marriage. I am a sinner, a man of faults, who must be forgiven and supported, unlike my political opponents/people who are different from me all of whom are evil and will go to hell. For I am a good Christian, because I have told you so. Look not at my actions, but listen to my words, share my self-righteousness and please stop this scandal so my family won't have to suffer. You should all be ashamed for doing something that could hurt my family's feelings, just ashamed of yourself.

Sen. John Ensign, Rep. David Vitter,Gov. Mark Sanford, Rep. Mark Foley, Newt Gingrich, Evangelical Leader Ted Haggard


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