Written in December 2008. Why...
...because I can.
Washington - In a shocking final display of executive power, the Bush administration announced today that it had successfully shot down Santa Claus.
pResident Bush explained his decision, "This wasn't about getting away with whatever we could in our last weeks. We want to make sure people remember what we did for a very long time. Santa was a threat, a mysterious figure who infiltrates our very homes. Giving away presents to children for free is socialism. Santa was perverting our children, making them believe in magical gifts that come from the sky. This gets them used to the idea of socialism, and that had to be stopped. Handouts are evil, unless you're a large corporation."
Bill O'Reilly also commented, "Santa was waging a war on Christmas, with his "Happy Holidays". Christmas isn't about free handouts, it's about Jesus Christ, who we all know was a white English speaking Republican who hated foreigners, the environment and most of all handouts, unless you're a wealthy corporation."
Dick Cheney, who gave the order to fire, had this to say, "Santa was a terrorist threat, coming into our very homes. You might have noticed there have been no terrorist attacks since we shot down Santa, proving that everything we ever did was right. Santa was a socialist, and shooting him down was almost as much fun as shooting lawyers. The Vice President can do whatever he wants, at least until January 20th, when he should have no power whatsoever."
Santa was shot down using the new missile defense system, 100 billion dollars of taxpayer money that couldn't have found a better use. Santa has been tracked by NORAD for over 50 years, beginning during the Cold War. At the time, anti-communist hysteria led the government to believe that a red suited foreigner, led by a red nosed reindeer , coming secretly into American homes, was obviously a communist plot. In addition, J. Edgar hoover convinced the government that Dasher, Dancer, Prancer etc. were obviously gay names and that kind of perversion would harm America's children. The technology of the time, however, did not allow the Air Force to intercept the sleigh, and it was not until recently that America was finally made safe from gay communism. Future generations of non-gay capitalist Americans will have the Bush Administration to thank.
Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.