Washington - A new study showing most soldiers would accept gays in the military has caused consternation among Republicans, but no change of position. Republican spokesman Innthe Klossit explained, "No, we're not changing our mind, our position on gays in the military is completely logical and based on honest facts and straightforward truths. The fact that you people keep debunking all our arguments in no way changes the fact that gays in the military is wrong, ahistorical and unpopular."
A brief history of these arguments was then presented by Mr. Klossit, "Yes, at first we said gays have never served in the military, then you pointy headed historians kept bringing up Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great, Richard the Lionheart, The Spartans, The Thebans, the Athenians, The Navy, etc, etc. So we based our argument on the fact that Gays have a secret agenda. Turns out we were right, but it mostly included putting Judy Garland on Mount Rushmore and something about footwear. Next we said Gays in the military didn't work, but you kept bringing up several countries that have integrated them fully. We pointed out these were mostly gay countries like Canada and Holland, but your point was made."
"Finally we stood on the rational excuse that letting gays in the military would destroy morale, ruin combat efficiency and bring about a complete takeover of the country by our enemies, plus Armaggedon, the rule of Satan on earth and possibly another season of 'Scrubs'. Then you did some 'scientific' study showing most troops today would accept such a change. Plus you keep making these arguments about civil rights and equality and all that other gay stuff."
"Fine, the GOP is not stupid, we accept your arguments. In fact we've known all along our case was weak and silly. It isn't logical its emotional. I confess, the entire GOP leadership is in fact gay. You probably guessed by the way we obsess about gay sex and the 'temptations of the gay lifestyle'. Obviously you can't be tempted by something you don't want to do. From Larry Craig to Ted Haggard to Mark Foley we haven't been able to keep it in our pants or the closet. Having said that I'd like to announce our new and final argument against gays in the military: Please don't waste our country's most precious natural resource. Let the hetero boys go face danger but keep those hot young gay men here to be our rent boys and pages and restroom pals. This one's from the heart, spare the queens by any means."