Colorado Springs - The gay sex scandal surrounding outspoken Republican anti-gay activist George Rekers has caused waves of fear to spread through conservative ranks. The fears are caused by the string of prominent anti-gay Republicans involved in gay sex scandals these last few years. The resulting terror afflicting Republicans was explained by Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family:

"According to our best Republican science no one is gay, ordinary heterosexuals merely choose to be gay because the gay lifestyle is so, so tempting. If even my good friend George Rekers, author of many books and articles on the evils of the gay lifestyle, can be tempted, then the rest of us have to be on our guard. Anyone of us could turn at any moment. You might wake up one day and go out to work on your pickup truck or hunt little animals, but by afternoon you're worried about matching china patterns and renting The Wizard of Oz. The only cure is to fixate on good heterosexual activities, like action movies. How about something with Russel Crowe? There was a great one where he was a sailor, and then one where he was a cowboy, and ooh, don't forget Gladiator! I am so totally not gay."

Glenn Beck also chimed in, "Since anyone of us can fall prey to this I will only watch hardcore porn from now on. There's nothing more masculine than good nasty hardcore porn. There was this one, and there's this guy, and it was like 9 1/2 and then there were money shots, and then... well anyway I'm so totally not gay."

Rush Limbaugh also came up with a foolproof innocculation, "No action movies or porn for me, I'm only watching all girl movies from now on. Like that fabulous Sex and the City. Those girls are crazy! There was this one where Carrie lost her Manolo Blahniks, it was horrid! I am so totally not gay!"

The Reverend Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church warned of even greater dangers, "Despite what you do any one can be tempted at any time by the fabulous gay lifestyle. Those gays will tempt even the most heterosexual among us with their hot bodies and luscious tempting lifestyle. We must be on our guard, I know for a fact what these gays are up to. They have a nasty gay agenda: To make us all buy nice window treatments, pay more attention to fashionable footwear, and ultimately put Cher, Barbra Streisand, Patti Lupone and Liza Minelli on Mount Rushmore. I am so reasonable and totally not gay."

The Gay Agenda:

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

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