Phoenix - Arizona's recently passed law which requires police to check the documents of people who "look illegal" has drawn criticism. In response, government spokesman Ray Cyst explained a new handy tool for law enforcement that will prevent any racial profiling by giving officers clear guidelines in how to visually ascertain who is documented and who is not. This precise scientific method is shown below:

Legal: Obviously a documented real American

 Tricky: Legally documented but not REALLY American. But you have to go with today's out of control political correctness. It's just not like the old days.

Confusing: I mean what are you? Are you an Indian? A Terrorist? Suspicious but probably documented, check anyway.

Illegal: Obviously illegal, I mean look at this person. Certainly not an American. They don't look like one, they don't talk like one. Highly illegal and undocumented.

Dangerous: Documented but very dangerous. Arrest on sight.

 More Confusing: Arrest for threatening the neatness of the categories.

Mr. Cyst explained the new system, "We can now tell who is documented on sight. There is not racism here, it's just an obvious case of using your perceptions to get the ones who are obviously not American. We all can tell who's American and who's not on sight."

When asked what he thought about Immigration reform, Mr. Cyst became angry, "No, no no, that would make them legal. But they're illegal. You can't make them legal. They can't be legal because they're illegal. We're not racist we just hate illegals. But if they were legal it would just, I mean, no you can't, they don't fit in here because they're illegal, it's all about documentation. You can't give them documents, because they're undocumented. It all makes good sense and is in no way racism. We just have to keep America looking the way it should look - and that means getting rid of the ones who don't look legal. Why does everyone keep bringing race into the picture?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)

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